That Butler, Dust
by tangablesadness
Summary: -Oneshot- He was never promised escape, the demon vowed him revenge. (AKA Ciel's thoughts and feelings in chapter 63: That Butler- Training. I feel you could still follow along with no Black Butler manga experience.)


The Phantomhive Manor was enshrouded in dust. Particles swirled in the streaks of melted silver moonlight pouring through the windows. The symbolic soot was heaving down on me as I laid holed up in the safety of my blankets. I could feel the dust slowly piling in on me, slithering down my throat and into my lungs bringing forth shuddering gasps. Panic welled up inside me and I tried to hold back the asthma attack I could feel coming. The filth clung to my memories, discolouring old ones of dear family members and adding even more grit to the new vivid ones. The shelves and shelves of my internal records mocked me. The library of my mind that was once beautiful, grand and a safe dreamland were now dipped in black ashes from the fire that marked my happiness's demise. I slipped deeper into soft shell of cotton for comfort, but paused as I felt the scenery around me warp, reminding me of the renewed hell I just escaped into.

But he was never promised escape, the demon vowed him revenge.

The proclamation sunk deeply into my guts, the maggots of (pure and utter hopelessness and anxiety and suff-) regret wormed it's way up into my mind to eat away holes in my resolve.  
It was at times like this that it was hard to stick to my purpose. I could only place so many band aids of arrogance unto my bullet holes of reality. The agony reminded me of dank nights spent behind cold bars and watching leering grins.  
I breathed in, trying to stabilize myself, sinking bloody fingers into angry scars as I felt the asphyxiating dust of haunting memories begin to smother me back into frightful unconsciousness.

I silently wished the sleep I slipped into was death.

Abruptly a candle flooded light into the room.

"Who...?"  
"It is your butler. It's Sebastian." The handsome creature said with a kindly smile.

In that moment, he bore such resemblance to his father. The raven hair falling forward in feathers, a familiar aura of peace.

"Sebastian"

He tested his name out on his lips, trying to reconcile the picture before him with the demon that brutally murdered his kidnappers. He has no place with tranquil feelings.

"They're all dead." Anxious pause. "They're all glaring at me."

"There's no one in the mansion but you and me. No one else."

I felt like a child. I wanted to run down the hall into my mother arms and have her sooth away my nightmares. I wanted to have Tanaka tuck me into bed with that caring crinkle in his eye. I so desperately wanted the man, no, demon in front of me to be my father.

"Sebastian," I tightened the grip on my sheets. "nothing happened today?"

But I was now the Earl of Phantomhive and I could not afford to be a child. All those things are gone now. The memory of my predecessors was now covered in ashes of pain and there was no reversing it. So I once again forced myself to begin to slip on jacket of cool indifference.

"Yes it has been a quiet night. Now come lay down."

My breath caught in my throat as Sebastian leaned slightly forward, arm outstretched. The familiarity of the situation overwhelmed me. Such a wonderful dream. Dark bangs swept slightly to the right almost appearing shorter, sharp jawline and broad shoulders. In the poor lighting his eyes almost appeared a shade of stormy hazel, just like my fathers. And his smile...

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

 _(There was a reason Sebastian always dressed him)_

CRACK SHATTER SPLINTER

The illusion was broken by the contempt distinguishable in those flashing scarlet eyes. Just like that Sebastian was already stating the obligatory lines of dismissal. No loyalty. No love. Just a simple duty. The shattered dream cut into my skin, and while the pain was momentarily grounding, I ached to think of returning to that dust swirling in the darkness. Pride had no place there.

"Stay there. Stay there until I fall asleep."  
A shaky exhale.  
A smile in return.  
"Yes my lord"

I thought that the naked hunger in his eyes would replace immediate relief with dread.

It didn't.

For what was more comforting then the endless sleep the demon would eventually present me.

-

That first month back was miserable, but slowly the dust receded as skills were learned and small accomplishments made. The manor was swept and polished with new memories of frustrating Latin lessons and terrible tea, until that to was cleaned away as the tentative duo slipped into a well-oiled machine. Slowly bit by bit I offered some cautious trust as Sebastian ever-smiled in return.

Until,

"Young Master there's a letter."

-  
To Lord Phantomhive,  
First of all I would like to express my deepest regret to the loss of your family. I am thankful to God for your safety. Therefore I would like to return to you the land and title that were temporarily given back to the royal family in the absence f a lord. Therefore a special decoration ceremony will be given on the 17th of March 10am at the Buckingham Palace.  
I look forward to meeting you,  
Victoria  
-

I could still feel the demon's creeping black hand on my turned back, evil in their intent like the wandering eyes and brutal fists of THEM. I supressed a shiver as the creature murmured me sweet lies, waiting for my slip.

"Would you throw away such foolishness as revenge and continue to live on in happiness like this?"

Betrayal was something expected.  
I still denied myself the feeling of the sting.

"I will stake on this evil name of mine that I will definitely attain my revenge!"

I watched thoughtfully from my desk as Sebastian swiftly picked up the feather duster to complete the last bit of his cleaning duties. As the tip slowly touched down on the carved shelf my voice stopped him.

"Do not bother will such a menial task."

Confused the butler paused momentarily, he studied the boy seeming to seek understanding of his motives. Slightly bowing forward he opened his mouth, his aesthetics propelling him to politely begin to disagree—

"This mansion will always be covered in dust anyway. Now go prepare me something sweet."

I couldn't help the wry smile that showed itself as the door softly shut.

Yes, the dust of dirty memories can at times be choking, but the feeling of disgust is a good reminder of who I should let sweep my mind in the future.


End file.
